Sta.sh
The beautiful days we held so close, I once said to 'hello' to you.
Our meeting was brief, and simple.
Caring, and kind.
We left with helpless hearts.
Neither regretting, nor forgetting.
Our meeting place, once helped me smile.
Overcoming each day.
I still wish for the past,
with crying into my hands, at last.
Letting lose the tears,
I know I shouldn't fear.
You tell me "You'll move on".
But the glass still digs into my skin, and prickles each time I see you.
Wandering like I'm not here.
I touch my lips, and hope for yours to return.
The tears keep streaming, never forgetting.
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Firstly, the title is interesting as it could be read in two different ways; either that love, the emotion, means hurt, or, that one's love, as in partner, is hurting.
Now, the crit:
You begin with a contradiction. "The days we held so close" vs "I once said hello". Either you begin with the first meeting (which is where the rest of the ST seems to be heading, or you begin with having known the person for a long time. Alternatively, you could link the two:
Example:
The beautiful days we held so close,
I remember when I said "hello" to you.
Punctuation:
You mentioned that you are not that good at commas. So I will try point out any errors I spot to maybe help you with that.
ST 1
L1 - the comma should be a semi-colon
L2 - no need for a comma before this and
L3 - no need for a comma before this and
ST 2
L1 - no comma needed, as it is still one part of the sentence
ST 3
L5 - there should be a comma after 'me' before your direct speech starts
ST 6
L1 - no need for a comma before this and
ST 7
L1 - here you can use the comma before and to indicate a slightly longer pause, as you have done
L2 - the comma should be a semi-colon
Grammar:
ST 3
L2 - 'with crying' makes no grammatical sense. I think that 'with' should be 'while'.
Rhyme:
All of a sudden in ST 3 you start to rhyme a bit. This throws off the flow and rhythm of the piece. Try to either keep it rhyming or non-rhyming and not mix the two.
Overall:
This seems like a very emotional piece and you have written it well.
Jo
Thank you very much!!!! That means a ton I worked really hard on it!