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Zaiav

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Goodbye Kelly

1 min read

On February 14th 2022 my darling kitty Kelly passed away. She was an old lady, and despite her age I never assumed she'd be gone. Just 7 months ago I told you about Winston's death and although that may seem like a long time it feels like too little. She had been on a steady decline the past few months and we had been trying out best to keep the little old lady comfortable. Lot's of treats, cuddles, and kisses. But sadly she passed away, surrounded by love her final moments were spent looking at beautiful waterfalls on my partners laptop screen. She purred a bit as she stared at it, before passing. I hugged her till her breaths stopped. I miss her so much. I hope Winston is annoying her up in whatever afterlife there is. I don't know why I'm sharing this again. Maybe just some weird form of therapy. It does help to just write it out. Pet loss is such a difficult thing. It's heartbreaking and draining. In the end it leaves you worse.

Smug
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Winston

1 min read

On July 6th, 2021 I had to put down Winston. My cat of many years he was a joy to be with. Several months ago in 2020 he sustained a serious brain injury due to a mistake on my part. Even now I hold intense guilt. What if I had done things differently? What if I hadn't opened that door? Even if it was a mistake it still hurts me to think about it. I don't know why I'm even writing this journal. Perhaps as some form of healing. Perhaps it's merely a selfish desire for attention and pity. I'm sorry I don't upload photography anymore. Haven't done it in a long time. I don't feel creative. I don't feel that spark. Ultimately I am ashamed of myself and how my life turned out. Losing Winston hasn't helped. I miss you buddy...I'm sorry I couldn't heal you. You were so beautiful.

Winston
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TL;DR The title implies it. I've chosen to stop uploading. Which shouldn't come as much surprise given my lack of uploads already. It's too difficult to claw my way on this site. I'm not a popular artist, I lost people I considered friends, I have nothing truly tying me down here anymore. I need to pull back and say goodbye. 

The longer version. 

I have been semi active on deviantart for 10 years. Meeting people I admired, introducing people I thought would become life long friends to the site, and watching people I cared for blossom into amazing artists. I remember being so amazed by everyone's work. Artists that I admired, seeing people get Daily Deviations and constantly telling myself that some day I'd get one. Well that dream didn't exactly come true. But I did get some other things. I learned. I adapted. I remember my photography being such a driving force for me during dark times. I had used it as a crutch to keep me going. I was the creative one after all. I loved that. But as I grew up and others were going to college or getting full time jobs I was always stuck. I had my family and a few online friends support through my artistic journey. 

But then friends leave, families pass. You soon find yourself at a roadblock of self motivation. Sadly I couldn't keep up. I realized I wasn't meant to do this forever. It was a crutch for some time. But that crutch rusted and snapped. To put it bluntly. I can't do photography the same way I once did. 

I had a friend. Someone I cared for greatly. She was my motivation for a while, the person I messaged and asked about the smallest details in my work. The one who just encouraged me the one I encouraged. Its sickeningly sweet when you think someone needs you. Its a disgusting toxic trait I have but I honestly like to be needed. I like being a supportive need for someone. But I've come to realize she really didn't need me the same way I needed her. She can go on to create, I can't. It's scary losing things. 

Along with losing her, I lost my grandmother she died January 2. I broke up with my boyfriend. Right now I hate to admit it, I'm in a stuck loop of tripping again. I know if I was younger I'd use this to channel my art. I'd be fighting to make friends. But I cant. I don't have that drive anymore. I know majority of my relationships are now hollow and meaningless. 

This honestly probably sounds like the ramblings of a crazy person. You're right it kinda is. But that's about it. I don't know where I'm going anymore. I doubt it'll be somewhere good. 

If you're reading this still I say thanks. 

If you want to still see me in some form I do have a twitter.  (Warning the twitter is NSFW and pretty depressing) That's about it for me guys. Farewell. I wish you all the best in life.

Tell your friends you love them. 

Goodbye.  
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I give up

1 min read
I’m sorry guys.

I failed. I dropped out.

Please don’t give me pity okay? I don’t want it.

Just wanted to tell you guys so nobody would ask me how photography school was doing.

I don’t even want to think about it.

I’m such a fucking failure
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Hello guys! 

It's so good to be able to talk to you guys again. I know it's been quite some time since I last uploaded anything and I'm really sorry for that. Honestly I just got really busy, as stated in my previous journal I applied and got accepted to photography school. Well I just finished my first week! It was a little crazy getting used to driving like almost an hour a day to classes. I'm very lucky that my school isn't a super late schedule but still it's absolutely crazy that I'm even attending! 

I'm actually currently at the school in the digital lab. You might be wondering why I am here on a Saturday well it's because I need to catch up on lab hours. We have a certain amount of lab hours that we need to complete week by week and I'm a bit behind due to not coming over on certain days because of the weather. It's been absolutely FREEZING here. Although I am aware some places have it way worse weather wise that doesn't stop me from freezing! So yeah thats why I'm here typing away. 

Classes seem fun, but they are really going to be faster than I think I expected. I'm hopeful that it'll be a good fast though. Like I don't want to overwork myself but at the same time I do you know? Well we will see it's only been on week after all. I'll probably just hang around here for two-ish more hours then scoot home. I'm really glad that I'm able to even be going to this school. 

Okay that seems like enough rambling, although writing this was a good time waster. I could've probably edited some photo's but I don't know how their program works yet and I'm way too nervous to try. I really am nervous on how to use Lightroom having only used an old version of photoshop my entire life. Well anyway hopefully I'll post something soon. I might go chill in the lounge and get something to drink. 

Hope you all are doing good, sorry this is such a weird ramble. 

Zaiav
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Featured

Goodbye Kelly by Zaiav, journal

Winston by Zaiav, journal

Goodbye for some time. by Zaiav, journal

I give up by Zaiav, journal

First week down! by Zaiav, journal